yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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