Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
