somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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