I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize