I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
