Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
