i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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