I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Are we still banned from the library?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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