I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
