happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
