My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
he just fucked me for my cheese..
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
