What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
