Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
