First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
