better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
