based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Did I show you my penis last night?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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