I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
