I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
