I think I won the penis lottery.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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