Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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