Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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