Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Randomize
