He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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