i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Actions speak louder than pants.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
