How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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