wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Randomize
