You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
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