he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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