I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
50% drunk capacity currently
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
