I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
