I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
