3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
pray to the hookup gods
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
