are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
She just used a chaser for red wine.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
