i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
