Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
