I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
