dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
