i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I think people are normalizing furries
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Randomize
