Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
