if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
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