I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
