my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
