If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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