Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
