no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
My vagina just recognized that song.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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