I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
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