You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
