i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
