why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
