Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize