Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
