It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
