I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
