i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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