My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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