Dude my mom stole all your condoms
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
