i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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