don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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