just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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