I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
